Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
