FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
