god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
