did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
