why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
