I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
