Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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