shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
is it fun? or sober?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
