She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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