I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize