I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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