Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
