you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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