The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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