Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This baby is an asshole
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
