i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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