Old men and throwing up are my life now.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
