Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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