he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
