Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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