K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well I just put wine in my tea
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
