:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
