I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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