yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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