You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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