It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
