Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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