Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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