I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Porn is love you can see.
I skipped work to stalk him.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
