I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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