You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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