you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
