i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
