Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
