I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
