I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
