I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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