my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Green mimosas i think yes
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize