Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He felt like a one man threesome
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
