we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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