awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
