The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize