News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
