It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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