sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
