Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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