And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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