I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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