Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
