My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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