So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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