I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I won't apologize to a one balled man
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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