she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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