Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
