The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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