He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
