I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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