i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
