Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
