what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
